Wanted: A New National Game
Everybody knows that the time has come for us to choose a new national game. The quadrennial flagellation we currently undergo has to make way for something healthier, happier and – let's face it – more successful.
We could also take this opportunity to make sure the new national game better refllects our national psyche. So here's some criteria that an ideal game should address:
Played in all weather. The famous Super-14 Final in the Fog was one of the great sporting highlights. To hell with the weather, let 'em play! This obviously rules out cricket. If someone in the crowd sneezes, the covers come on.
Not too fast or exciting. If a game is too fast, there's no time for replays, loo breaks; barely enough time to get a beer from the fridge. That lets out netball. Besides, Australia is just too flippin' good at it. One other thing: watch a netball test and you'll see hundreds of women and girls waving inflated sausages madly in the air. It's just too Freudian for living rooms.
Doesn't require much fitness. A national game is a game for all of us to play as well as watch, and we've had just about all the reconditioning we can stand. Cross off aerobics, tennis, basketball, anything with sweat.
Played at night. Golfers take note. We might play some sport in the daytime, but we need to watch at night. The national game should rate higher than Celebrity Big Brother Surviving on a Treasure Island or what's the point?
Played indoors. Hey, it gets cold in the winter.
We have to be good at it. Eliminate soccer, hockey, squash, Aussie rules, line dancing, gymnastics. One hope might be show jumping while the horses across the ditch are down with flu. But can you see a horse as part of every kids' school kit?
No, the answer is simple: Indoor bowls. It fulfils all the criteria, and then some:
Grassroots support. Name a town or suburb that doesn't have a bowling club. The uniform is more iconic than an All Black jersey.
Safe. ACC l-o-v-e-s it!
No referee. There may be an umpire, but they are usually working alone, awaiting a hip replacement, and easily intimidated. Alright!!!
